|
| I want to hurt about it but it doesn't make sense to. Or does it? My family, my brothers except one and my sister, making choices in their lives. I've done some pretty shitty things myself. Things that make my life a bit more difficult. Things that cost more money than they should. Things that if my family and friends knew about would probably hurt them just like my siblings hurt me. But thats why it doesnt make sense for me to hurt for them. I don't want my friends and family to agonize over my negative choices because I wanted to make those choices and here I am living and learning and accepting the consequences. But where is the line? When do those choices begin affecting others? And who decides that? Negative choices of one can affect anothers physical body, pocket book, personal property, etc ... but when it affects emotions only is that within the category of literally hurting another person by your choices? I guess that is left to the individual and how sensitive of others one chooses to be. So, I hurt for my family because they deserve better ... but so do I ... so I take that hurt and use it as energy to make my life better ... and I don't regret one second I've spent away from my family doing so. I just miss them ... a whole freaking lot | | |
| Caught in a cycle of negative thinking and pessimism. Learning how to break it. How long does it take to create a new habit? I hope not too long. | | |
| I'm exhausted. I have my first muay thai match on saturday. I've been getting beat up for it for the last six months. I'm bruised and sore and sick of getting kicked in the stomach. I just want a hug! | | |
| Wow, I haven't seen this place in a while, reading old entries at 2 am is .... I have no comment right now | | |
| The layer of leaves is so thick on the lawn you can't even tell there
is grass under there. All the trees look twice as big as last year. The
mountainsides are shaped slightly differently. The pavement is newer.
The house is older. There are more piles of things and less carpet to
be seen. It's not as cold this year ... but there is just as much candy
on the counter to tempt me. My cell phone works at home this year, they
got a new cell tower over by the post office. And get this!! We have a
grocery store that is only 5 minutes away ... not a 30 minute drive
down and up the canyon. My mom worries that I drink too much wine and I
worry that I eat too much candy. By the time I come home on monday my
body will be so full of fuel i'll go on a two week running streak
before it runs out. That is if these antibiotics work and my lungs ever
heal. My two little brothers dont live at home anymore ... nor do they
wish to come home and visit while i'm here ... but I don't blame them.
My little sister has been home for a couple hours the whole time I've
been here, she's off visiting girl friends that have come into town.
Mom is cooking a lot ... dad is watching a lot of football ... all
intermixed with random discussions of me and my Orange County
adventures. My immediate family is so individualistic. We do nothing
together ... really. Even eating is done on everyone's personal
schedule. Wierd. I don't like it. And yet I continue to live my life in
the same fashion. Why? My other grandma and aunts and uncles I don't
think approve of my lifestyle. I didn't want to go visit them yesterday
but did in order to avoid yet even more talk about me "the runaway".
What ... they expect me to stay up here and either get knocked up or
divorced like the rest of them? Nah that's ok. I'd rather be a little
lonely down in orange county where i can have people around me all the
time and the beach at my disposal when I'm not feeling well. If you
need me I'll be at the gym ... thanks ... bye!!
| | |
|
